


What they don't say

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, One Shot, Sorry guys, romantic kalex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 04:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10983492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: They don’t say, “I love you.” Not like this.





	1. Part I. Alex

They don’t say, “I love you.” Not like this - when Alex’s fingers are sliding into Kara with ease, like they belong there.

No. 

They say things like, “fuck,” or “more,” or Alex’s favorite, “please.”

 _Please_ means that Alex is doing something right, and she desperately needs that confirmation. More than Kara knows, more than Alex even knows. 

Maybe they don’t say, “I love you,” because it’s unnecessary. What’s the point of saying it? Kara knows that Alex adores her, that she would paint the sky with the constellations that she sees in bright blue eyes. And Alex knows that Kara loves her, that she’d risk everything to save her.

That thought is scary, so overwhelming and packed with all of the things they never say. And it’s all consuming and all encompassing.

Alex finds herself thinking about it even when she doesn’t want to.

Like when they are lying together in the afterglow of their fucking – their sweet sex that Alex craves on bad days, good days, any days – and Alex can’t stop thinking about how much she loves Kara, and how much Kara loves her.

Like when Alex is bent over on a desk with Kara thrusting in her. 

She even thinks about it when she is home alone and her hands wander down the length of her stomach.

But no; they don’t say, “I love you.”

Why would they?

They both know it.

 

\---

 

It starts innocently enough. 

_Innocent._

That’s a funny joke Alex tells herself. A funny reminder that she uses to convince herself that it is meaningless – she’s fucking her foster sister on a yearly, monthly, weekly basis but it's just sex.

Kara visits her at college. At first, it’s awkward; a lump forms in Alex’s throat and she forgets how to form coherent sentences. They haven’t really talked since Alex left and they definitely never talk about why they’ve fallen apart at the seams. Didn’t they use to be best friends? Whatever. Alex is over it, she’s _over_ worrying about all the changes.

Kara wasn’t supposed to visit for another week, but here she is.

Adorable, sweet Kara. Kara with her soft pastel sweaters that Alex nuzzles her nose in when they are asleep with their limbs tangled together. It’s not her fault that the scent is intoxicating, and that she cries over how much she misses it. Is that a fatal flaw? That a simple smell can make her crumble into a million pieces?

That’s beside the point.

Alex can’t even be upset. Well, okay. She is, but only for a few moments. There’s a party that she wants to go to. Cute girls that she wants to see and kiss and possibly do more with. Alcohol that she wants to devour. Self-deprecating thoughts that she wants to forget.

“Why are you here?”

Kara won’t meet her eyes and it’s quite possibly the worst feeling Alex has experienced. Kara refuses to look up, even as she says, “I missed you.”

“Oh.”

Alex falls into a drunken stupor. She drinks and drinks and drinks. And Kara listens and listens and listens.

She is nothing but quiet and understanding as Alex talks about college deadlines and classes that she skips too often. She isn’t even judgmental when Alex tells her that she can’t do it anymore.

But Kara – adorable, sweet Kara – tells her, “you can do this.”

And maybe that wasn’t an invitation to lean over and capture surprised lips in a kiss. However, when Kara straddles her and kisses her, open-mouthed and eager, Alex’s tongue slips in because _that_ is an invitation.

That night isn’t Alex’s first time with a woman. She’s done this before. If Kara hadn’t shown up, another would be in Alex’s bed.

That night is just her first time with Kara. Adorable, sweet Kara. Tainted, corrupted Kara.

 

\---

 

About those constellations in Kara’s eyes…

Nothing with the Kryptonian is that simple. Alex sees everything in them, and there aren’t enough blank pages or unwritten song lyrics or white canvases to describe what she sees.

The loss of a planet, of an entire race, in dark blue. Embarrassment over trying to fit in despite years of living on Earth in nervous blue. Unadulterated laughter and happiness in excited blue. Lust-filled desire in smooth blue. 

Blue has quickly become her favorite color, and if Alex looks too long, she drowns in the ocean that is Kara.

Sometimes she considers letting it happen. Unruly waves could carry her to forbidden places where it’s okay to need the touch of another so bad it hurts. Wistfully, she thinks that she could choke on the feeling.

Instead, she loses herself in the way nails dig into her skin as her name is shouted again, and again, and again.

 

\---

 

The second time is right after Kara has saved her from the plane crash.

They don’t say much that time but they both know.

 

\---

 

The hardest part of their routine is when Alex wakes up first.

Usually, she slips away and showers before Kara ever wakes up. For some reason, this morning is different. She glances at the other side of the bed and she _knows_ that she should leave, but she remains, under Kara’s warm blankets, under the spell she’s been falling into for years. 

With the morning light shining in Kara’s golden locks, it’s easy to forget the pain that swells up in Alex’s chest every time one of them leaves. And that blonde hair is so, so soft. How is anyone supposed to leave when they can run their hands through it for hours?

Kara stirs in her sleep, and a minute later she is slowly opening her eyes. There’s a small smile on her face as she stares up at Alex. “Hey.”

_Shit._

Alex has been caught staring. It’s not like it’s the first time. And it won’t be the last, but she is supposed to be gone by now.

“Hey.”

“You’re still here?” It’s more of a statement than a question though.

“Yeah.”

Kara props herself up on her elbows, strands of gold frame her face. “How long are you staying?”

She opens her mouth to respond but then Kara’s phone rings. They stare at each other for too long before Kara finally gets up and answers it.

Alex waits patiently, trying to search her head for an answer that makes any kind of sense. When Kara hangs up, her usual brightness is dimmer. A shadow of disappointment is there, and Alex wonders what _that_ means.

On second thought, maybe she doesn’t want to know.

“Hank needs us,” Kara says, frowning.

A forced smile reaches Alex’s face. She should be relieved – she’s been saved from admitting why she never left. So why does it feel all wrong?

Alex stands, tosses Kara her uniform. “Let’s get dressed then.”

When they arrive at the DEO, they shift into the easiest part of their routine. Partners in the field. It’s easy to pretend there because nobody knows. Alex suspects that Hank does. He shoots them sideways looks that say more than he ever does.

Everything is normal until they are about to head out, and Kara pulls her to the side. “Will you be back tonight?”

There’s a simple answer to that. “Yeah, of course.”

But Kara doesn’t take it this time. She narrows her eyes and tries once more, “Will you be back tonight?”

_Oh._

She’s referring to their nightly trysts. Alex hesitates. She doesn’t want to be caught frozen in the morning, unable to move because her lover is too beautiful to leave. 

Lover.

Since when has she used that title?

Alex shakes off the thought. “Yeah, of course,” she repeats.

It’s part of the routine. Repeating things even if it hurts. Even if Alex gives until there’s nothing left to give.

 

\---

 

Unfortunately, Alex lives off of logic and answers. She thrives on things that make sense. Her days are full of aliens, government agencies, and a Kryptonian whose bed Alex can't stay away from. So yes, she needs _some_ kind of logic in her life.

"Why don't we ever talk about this?"

It's evening and Kara's mouth is full of potstickers and Alex isn't hungry.

"What?" Kara asks after swallowing hard on her food.

Alex tries to keep her voice even. "You know... why don't we talk about us? We've been doing this, whatever this is, for years now and we just brush it off. Like it doesn't mean anything. And it means something." She takes a deep breath. "It has to, right?" 

"What brought this up?"

Anger builds in Alex's stomach. "Can you just answer me?"

A few moments pass and Alex begins to wonder why she ever said anything in the first place. Then, Kara answers.

"Because we can't."

It's night and Kara is clenching the sheets as she rides against Alex's mouth and Alex is hungry.

 

\---

 

The Red Kryptonite incident:

Nothing different than usual.

Except that Kara is needier. Except that Alex sobs when Kara leaves. Except that one of them, definitely Alex, almost said it. Except that Alex feels so hollow that her entire body caves in on itself. Except that they never talk about it.

Wait. 

That’s normal.

At least there’s that, Alex assures herself while she stares at Kara during work a few days later.

 

\---

 

Christmas is also different. 

The room is dark with night and the only thing that allows Alex to make out Kara’s outline is the green and red light shining on her face. Eggnog, red wine, and the recent feast they shared has Alex feeling dizzy with affection.

Everyone is gone and _thank god_. They’ve been sharing secret looks all night. At one point, Kara leaned over and pecked Alex’s cheek. Alex’s face burned so hot from the touch that Eliza even said something about it.

“Are you doing okay there, Alex?”

They all turned to her – Eliza, Winn, Kara – and the room spun. 

Somehow, she brushed it off with, “Yeah, just a little flushed from this wine.”

But now they are alone and Kara is handing over a present that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Alex shakes it for a good measure and Kara giggles. 

For the second time that night, Alex blushes and it reaches her ears. She stares down at the lacy red fabric and lets it slip between her fingers.

“Do you like it?”

Alex grins. “I love it.”

The way that Kara gasps when Alex comes out of the bathroom makes the room spin hard. And Alex can’t help but feel as if this is right. Their love is right. Everything that they are is fucking right.

Their sex is slow and gentle, almost as if they are both trying to cherish the moment. Butterfly kisses are left on their skin from the other and when Kara unravels, her eyes are glistening and Alex’s heart catches in her throat.

When Alex starts to drift into a comfortable sleep, it’s with Kara’s arms wrapped around her waist, one hand lazily drawing circles on her abdomen. Kara whispers sweet nothings until Alex sees the back of her eyelids. 

She’s sitting at a table listening to Vasquez recount her own Christmas when she realizes that maybe, just maybe, she and Kara could make it work one day.

 

\---

 

“Lena is sweet,” Kara admits.

Something akin to jealousy rumbles in Alex’s stomach. She manages to ask, “Oh yeah?”

Kara nods, and Alex shrinks until she’s only 2 inches tall.

This time when they fuck, Alex is rough and unforgiving. She uses two fingers to plunge into slick tightness. When that isn’t enough, she uses a fist and _shit_ , who knew someone could scream that loud?

It’s a beautiful, horrifying sight. Kara completely undone, chest heaving, eyes so hooded they can barely open. Alex lies down beside her and rests on hands that still have Kara on them. 

“That was different,” Kara finally says.

Alex shrugs. “Do you want more?”

They last until dawn breaks through the window, but it still isn’t enough.

 

\---

 

Strangely enough, when Alex tells Kara about Maggie, she isn’t met with the same hard, soul-crushing fake enthusiasm. Kara just laughs. She laughs so hard she falls onto the floor and clutches her stomach. It’s rough and sarcastic and it doesn’t belong coming from Kara’s mouth. 

Alex presses her back into the couch and crosses her arms, huffy and annoyed. 

“Why are you reacting this way?”

Kara stops, wipes a tear from her eyes, and stands up. She’s towering over Alex when she moves close, impossibly tall. “Because I have to.”

 

\---

 

They can’t work. It’s that simple. 

Alex reminds herself of this when she sits with Maggie across from Kara and Mon-El.

Mon-El.

Maggie.

Lena.

Kara.

They can’t work. It’s that complicated.

 

\---

 

They don’t say, “I love you.” Not like this - when they are avoiding each other and refusing to give into their selfish needs.

No.

They say things like, “stop,” or “bye,” or Alex’s least favorite, “we can’t.”

That doesn’t stop Alex from showing up to Kara’s apartment drunk and lost. She isn’t sure why she is there or why Kara doesn’t turn her away. Kara opens the door and is silent. Sweet, adorable Kara. She understands Alex in a way no one else can.

Finally, Alex feels like she can breathe again when the tears don’t come as often or as fast. She pulls away from Kara’s tight embrace and kisses her temple.

This time, and only this time, she says it.

Turns out, they do say, “I love you.” It just has to be like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading.


	2. Part II. Kara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara has thoughts, too, on their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As if the first part wasn’t enough, I felt compelled to write this.
> 
> Also, I'm a sucker for song fics (what can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic). While I won't actually write one, it might be nice to listen to Pools by Paramore to this.

They only say, “I love you.” Not with words - with soft touches, lingering kisses, and whispers of goodbyes in the morning when Alex thinks that Kara is sleeping. Alex was never really that good at leaving, but Kara pretends anyway because love is sometimes hidden behind actions and small gestures.

Yes.

They always say, “I love you,” or “I need you,” or Kara’s favorite, “I will never let you go.”

 _Never_ means that Kara can count on Alex to always catch her, and it doesn’t matter what happens to them, they are permanent. They are alight with morning glow and sunsets that hide in hazel eyes. More than Alex knows, more than Kara even knows.

Maybe they say, “I love you,” in silent expressions because it’s impossible otherwise. What’s the point of saying it out loud? Alex knows that Kara adores her, that their bare bodies don’t only meet at night, but in hellos and how are yous. And Kara knows that Alex loves her, that she tries her hardest to not be selfish despite the way she clings to Kara like a lifeline when she’s tumbling over the edge.

That thought is breathtaking, so full of the passion that only Alex Danvers can give, and it swallows Kara up with the threat of never letting her go.

Kara finds herself thinking about it even when she shouldn’t.

Like when she misses Krypton and Alura, even Astra, and the world is crushing her with its heaviness. Alex holds her, rocks her back and forth, steady and slow, and all Kara can feel is loved. Loved in beautiful, tragic ways.

Like when Alex tells her “not tonight” with a promise for tomorrow. That’s fine. Kara doesn’t want Alex to give what she can’t give, especially when she already feels like she takes too much.

She even thinks about it when they are together and Kara steals the last slice of pizza, Alex scolds her, shoving gently, but with sparkling eyes, and Kara knows that she’s not actually upset.

But yes; they always say, “I love you.”

Just differently than everyone else.

 

\---

 

When they come together – no, _crash_ together – for the second time, it’s inevitable.

_Inevitable._

It doesn’t matter how many times she tries to describe it, the only word that clearly defines them is inevitable. And it makes sense given their situation. They’ve proven time and time again that they cannot stay away from each other.

There was a plane crash and Alex was on it and Kara was there to save the day. After sharing a small lifetime with Alex, Kara refuses to lose her to a freak accident. Or any accident. Or anything at all.

Somehow, it’s refreshing when Alex shows up to her apartment. Patient, responsible Alex. She’s tense as she paces back and forth, listing the reasons that Kara shouldn’t have done what she did. Every now and then she will look to make sure that Kara is still there and Kara wants to scream out that she is always here. She is okay. She's bulletproof. She can't get hurt.

She just can't.

But these things go left unsaid.

Kara can only listen – she’s really good at listening, not so much the talking part of conversations. She’s still trying to get a hold of this whole communication thing. Earth is weird. People never say what they mean and they hide behind their words. Unsurprisingly, Alex isn’t an exception to that. Alex is even worse than others. If Kara thought she didn't understand people, she really doesn't understand Alex.

Her foster sister. Her best friend. Her partner. Her lover. Her reason for smiling in the mornings.

So, Kara listens and hears the things that Alex can't say.

“You could’ve gotten hurt.” _I can’t lose you._

“You are so careless sometimes.” _I can’t always protect you._

“You scared me.” _Thank you._

Kara only nods. She really can't argue with any of it. Alex is right; Kara _is_ careless.

Careless because she knows that when Alex presses her against the wall and smashes their lips together that she should push her away. Careless because the last time was supposed to be the only time but here they are. Careless because she’s the Kryptonian and Alex is the breakable one and this might – it definitely will – destroy Alex one day.

Patient, responsible Alex. Weak, broken Alex.

 

\---

 

About Astra…

Forgiveness is hard and forgetting is impossible. There’s a mark of pain branded on Kara’s chest, almost as red as the S on her uniform. Yes, it’s invisible and all in her head, but sometimes Kara thinks she can see it in the mirror. On those days, it grabs a hold of her and latches like a leech, sucking her dry.

She tries to describe it one night to Alex in the middle of sex. Kara was never one for ‘feeling the atmosphere of the room.’ What does that even mean?

Alex exhales shakily on Kara’s stomach and looks up. “What did you just say?”

“Um.” She needs to work on her timing. Her chest is so tight it hurts to breathe. Pacing works, yes. It never hurts to try. _In. Out. In. Out._ “Forget about it,” she says quietly.

Alex is persistent, of course. “No. Kara. You don’t look okay.” She shifts so that her hair brushes against Kara’s flushed cheeks. Kara considers kissing her to make this moment okay again. _In. Out. In._ “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m always in pain,” she admits. _Out._

But life is funny in that sometimes when Kara thinks she says one thing, she actually says something else altogether. This time, she really says, “Let’s switch positions.”

In the end, Alex gives up and the night is salvaged, mostly. Concern is wiped away by ragged pants and reckless screams. There’s a limp in Alex’s stance the next day at work and Kara can only be proud.

That’s not the only thing beating in her chest but that’s okay. Really, it is.

_In. Out. In. Out._

 

\---

 

The most memorable time is when Kara temporarily loses her powers.

They say a lot that time but mostly through ripples of pleasure that apartment walls can barely contain.

 

\---

 

“Why haven’t any of your relationships worked?”

That startles Kara so much she almost doesn’t hear it. But then Alex asks again and Kara forces her eyes up away from the sheen of sweat covering Alex’s body. “You are kind of killing the mood, aren’t you?”

Alex frowns, very clearly unimpressed. Soon, they are both sitting up, and, once again, Kara's mouth has ruined the moment.

Kara tries to recover. “Why do you ask?”

“I don't want-” Alex pauses, dips her head. "I'm just worried-" She finally looks back up, and her eyes are soft, comforting and adoring. Kara wants to sleep in that brilliant mix of brown and green. Make a home in it and never come out. "I just need to know that you're not holding back because of us."

"Why would I?"

"You know why."

Kara shakes her head, like she doesn't know, because she wants Alex to say it. For once, just say it loud.

Nothing gets said, as usual, and Kara can't sleep that night. She's exhausted but it's not the same tiredness that she feels after fighting crime or a long day at Catco. It's different and it coils in her stomach, leaving tension to settle there uncomfortably. Every part of her aches for something more. For something to change.

In the morning, Alex is still in bed, watching her carefully, and Kara can't help but wonder how they got there.

 

\---

 

Some days, it's difficult to remember why they never say it. When they unravel together and their eyes are locked on the other, Kara almost does. She'll almost lean over and nip at Alex's neck, mutter the words against the soft pulse there.

But then Alex will bite her lip, drawing blood, and she'll look at her with desperation in blown pupils, and Kara remembers that their love is fragile - permanent, but fragile.

 

\---

 

The Red Kryptonite incident:

Alex definitely said it.

Kara definitely did not.

 

\---

 

There are moments, here and there, they come so fast and disappear just as quickly. Kara has to pinch herself to remember she's not dreaming. But her dreams are never quite as good as her real life.

She comes home one day to the warm, calming scent of cookies in the oven and a dash of flour on Alex's nose. And the sight is so domestically perfect that Kara's heart swells up with everything that they could be.

In her head, she walks up to Alex and plants a sloppy kiss on her cheeks, her forehead, her nose, all the way down to Alex's chest. And Alex will flush and swat at Kara and tell her that she's cooking and to wait. Kara says, "okay, sure," but she's not really listening. Not this time. She tells Alex that she loves her. That it may be cheesy and silly but Alex is her Kryptonite and she wants to spend her life loving her out in the open.

Maybe Alex will say it back. Maybe she won't. She'll probably laugh and her eyes will crinkle with unabashed happiness. And she won't have to say it because Kara will know. They've always loved each other. The stoic agent and the girl of steel. They won't have different apartments. Will they have one together or a house? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that they are together.

There won't be secret looks shared over the dinner table at Christmas or Thanksgiving or the DEO. Kara can finally hold Alex's hand in public the way she's dreamed of doing ever since seeing people do it at school when they were younger. She dreams of matching silver wedding bands and sleepy mornings and hot whiskey laced breaths and small fights. Big fights. Fights that end with one of them crying but not leaving.

Alex won't have to leave in the mornings and Kara won't have to pretend that she doesn't have a Stanford sweater stuffed in her closet.

But that's all in her head and it's a nice fantasy. What she actually does is give a small smile and ask, "What's this all for?"

 

\---

 

"Mon-El asked me out," Kara says quietly.

Alex doesn't respond, too engrossed in her phone. Maggie's name is on the top of the screen and Kara grits her teeth.

"How are you and Maggie doing, by the way?"

"Fine."

Kara swallows around the lump lodged in her throat, but it doesn't help. "I guess I'll see you later?"

Alex glances up, nods curtly, and turns her attention to the detective walking up to them. Kara only watches for a minute before she flies away. When Alex sends her a text later that night saying she won't be able to make it, Kara simply shrugs.

_In. Out. In._

 

\---

 

They stop having sex when Alex no longer shows up at night. They stop sharing kisses in shabby closets and restrooms and long hallways when a box is left outside of Kara's apartment door.

They stop when it no longer feels right.

 _Out. In._

"Are we okay?"

Kara doesn't answer that. She turns the volume up on the TV and drowns out the noise in her head. Eventually, Alex stops asking.

It's only when Alex is about to walk out the door that Kara stands up and stops her. Alex's eyes are wide, hopeful and waiting. Kara squeezes her shoulders and assures her, "We will be."

 

\---

 

They only say, "I love you." Even like this - when Kara gets so good at pretending that it almost doesn't hurt anymore.

While she holds Alex, she wills her own tears away. This is for her. This is for them. Their love is fragile. She's the superhero; no matter how many times they roleplayed the other way around.

"I love you," Alex whispers, but it's louder than anything she's ever said before, and it rings in Kara's ears for days after.

Kara hums, nuzzling her nose in hair that used to belong in her hands. "I know. I know. I know."

_Out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading.


End file.
